Going back to Wayne Fontes, critiquing like a restaurant review

I’ve been watching this franchise for far longer than back to Wayne, but I needed to stop somewhere. It gets old watching the same old, tiresome coaching comparisons that fail to capture the essence of what this franchise has been like over the decades. I decided to change things up a bit, and analogize the different regimes like restaurant reviews. Take it for what its worth, but it’s my way of trying to capture the truth.

Lions Slop-n-Grub Diner, since 1963 (formerly Lions House of Fine Dining) located in Pontiac

Purchasing Agent - Chuck Schmidt
Head Chef - Wayne Fontes

This place is HUGE! This Chef has great days where the food is heavenly and this place is packed to the rafters. Some days aren’t so great, but the Sanders Sauce always makes it worth the trip. This Chef doesn’t have any Michelin Stars, but he came really close once.

Purchasing Agent - Chuck Schmidt
Head Chef - Bobby Ross

This Chef runs his kitchen with an iron hand. Formerly the Head Chef at Chargers ELECTRIC Grill, Ross made the Sanders Sauce even more potent, but just doesn’t have Fontes magic touch. Still, its a decent meal for the price.

Purchasing Agent - Matt Millen
Head Chef - Marty Mornhinweg

They moved the restaurant to a smaller place downtown and raised the prices. The new Chef is fresh out of Culinary School and I think he failed. The food makes me sick, the ingredients are stomach churning, and I can’t believe I paid more for this kibble. I think I’m going to be sick.

Purchasing Agent - Matt Millen
Head Chef - Steve Mariucci

They brought in the instructor from Mornhinweg’s Culinary School. He’s frantically attempting to make ingredient substitutions for his signature recipes, its not working. The guy looks burnt out. This place will do that to you. About the best thing he can make is Wet Toast :smirk:

Purchasing Agent - Matt Millen
Head Chef - Rod Marinelli

Taken directly from being a Kitchen Porter to Head Chef, Marinelli’s food is atrocious. The regulars have even quit showing up to this smaller venue, and some of them are in the ER with food poisoning. The Health Department is threatening to shut this place down.

Purchasing Agent - Martin Mayhew
Head Chef - Jim Schwartz

Under new management, the food at the Slop-n-Grub has improved dramatically (it literally couldn’t have gotten worse). Featuring a new piece of meat, the Stafford Steak, the Slop-n-Grub now has an identity diners can identity. Schwartz brought this place back from the edge, but he has some very real flaws with his presentation.

Purchasing Agent - Martin Mayhew/Bob Quinn
Head Chef - Jim Caldwell

The atmosphere in this place has really improved :clap:. The food’s a bit on the bland side, but this place looks fantastic, there’s some questionable timing, but Caldwell is the best Chef this place has seen since Fontes. And hey, there’s still the Stafford Steak! Still, there’s a growing feeling that Caldwell can’t take this restaurant to the next level.

Purchasing Agent - Bob Quinn
Head Chef - Matt Patricia

Patricia and Quinn had all of the world class training under the very best, but together managed to run this restaurant into the ground. Even the Stafford Steak suffered. The food is lousy again and the atmosphere stinks. Patricia scratches his rear end while lecturing about kitchen hygiene, then puts his finger in the soup.

Purchasing Agent - Brad Holmes
Head Chef - Dan Campbell

They told us they were getting rid of the Stafford Steak and renovating, but so far this really sucks! Marinelli’s former busboy, fresh out of Culinary School, spends as much time apologizing to the customers as he does planning his next kitchen disaster. Stay away from the Wide Receiver salad, it’ll make you sick. All around, this Chef brings back memories of Mornhinweg and Marinelli.

The Detroit Slop-n-Grub Diner goes on. Restaurants in other cities find Michelin Star Chefs while we search desperately for mediocrity. Punxsutawney Phil is seen more often than the ownership, and has a better track record of success.

:musical_note:Same as it ever was, same as it ever was
Letting the days go by, same as it ever was
Here a twister comes, here comes the twister
Same as it ever was, same as it ever was🎶


Ryan Gosling Clap GIF

as a general rule of thumb, one should always avoid the wide receiver salad

Somebody call Gordon Ramsey stat