Ah, the offseason. Such a wonderful time to prognosticate out of sheer boredom.
No one watches a stock car race for the thrill of seeing 800 left hand turns, and in much the same way as a train wreck draws the attention of all, there’s a macabre attraction in contemplating which of the thirty two best football coaches the world has to offer will feel the shadow of the headsman’s axe first.
Poor team response, lunatic owners, front office twerps throwing people under the bus to save their own skin, bad luck, it’s a perversely mixed bag of factors that bring that first firing of the year. Pure bliss in an Addams family fashion. Here are my tiered rankings of the NFL’s most unstable jobs ranked in tiers.
THE CHAIR IS LAVA
Kevin Stefanski, Cleveland Browns. Stefanski enters his fifth season as head coach under owner Jimmy Haslam, which is kinda like being the world’s oldest person, it’s not a title people hold for very long. Saddled with an epically underachieving QB with a massively bad contract, Stefanski will have to pull a real rabbit out of his hat this year to save his job.
Prediction - First firing of the year, late October to early November.
SCORCHING HOT
Matt Eberflus, Chicago Bears. It wouldn’t be the first time a coach was used as a lame duck during the rookie year of a franchise quarterback. Eberflus hasn’t moved the needle yet for the Bears in three years, and with the high end wide receiver talent the Bears have assembled, his leash will be the second shortest.
Prediction - Going to get Shawshanked on Black Monday
Robert Saleh, New York Jets. His defense is top notch, but Saleh’s fate lies in the hands of Aaron Rodgers. The Jets have failed to find any consistent answers on offense during his tenure, another playoff miss will be the end of the road for Saleh as he stares down Buffalo and Miami to try and save his job.
Prediction- Black Monday green room.
Mike McCarthy, Dallas Cowboys. Jerrah wasn’t ready to pull the trigger last year. This year is a different story. It’s Super Bowl or bust for McCarthy, and Jimmy the Greek is calling bust. Darth Hoodie awaits…
Prediction- Fired after a first round playoff exit.
Dennis Allen, New Orleans Saints. The Saints are a team in transition seeking a new identity to build around. Allen isn’t it.
Prediction- Black Monday green room.
RED HOT
Brian Daboll, New York Giants. Daboll started his tenure perhaps too well, and last seasons faceplant in the face of those heightened expectations has hastened his rise on this list. The Cowboys and Eagles aren’t going to get easier to play, and the Daniel Jones experience will spell his doom.
Prediction- Invited to the Black Monday festivities with a VIP pass.
Mike Tomlin, Pittsburgh Steelers. The longest tenured NFL Coach shown the door in back to back years? As Jerry Glanville said, it stands for Not For Long. Can Tomlin make some magic with Russ cooking? Survey says…no.
Prediction- The Steelers do it classy, with something like a forced retirement, but Tomlin is my prediction for lucky #7 in the next coaching cycle.
Thank you for reading, I do hope it helps with the Doldrums. Please remember that my original content (often imitated, never duplicated) can only be found exclusively on The Den, home to the best football fans in the world.
. I believe that someone told him in no uncertain terms that he needed to cool it with the firings and frequent coaching changes to rehab his image. It’s Stefanski’s fifth year, and I have a hard time seeing him get six with Haslam as owner.
