Detroit Lions Christmas Carols

To the tune of “Oh Christmas Tree” from Matt Patricia’s perspective:

Oh, Misses Ford, Oh, Misses Ford,

How very well, you’re looo-king.

You say you want, to talk to me,

First won’t you try my cooking?

We’ll talk about, the olden times,

You’ll drink your wine and maybe mine,

And when the room, begins to spin,

Let’s talk about my contract.

Or how about "Winter Wonderland.”

People talk, I’m not listenin’,

When they point, I’m a whistlin’.

I’m coaching along, singing a song,

Countin’ on my buddy, Mrs. Ford.

What about Frosty The Snowman?

Martha the owner,

Is the greatest gal I know.

When she picks her staff

people laugh,

She tells them where to go.

Martha Ford the owner,

Is as wise as she can be,

And she’d never fire

Her favorite hire

If that hire would be me — would she?

Maybe she prefers 12 Days of Christmas?

On the 12th day of Christmas,
This franchise heaped on me,

6 limping corners,

5 hurt linebackers,

4 sore receivers,

3 aching linemen,

2 useless tight ends,

And a quarterback who really hates me.

Or maybe it’s time to Deck The Halls:

Fire the guy who ruined my defense!

Fa-la-la-la-la, it’s all his fault.

Fire the guy who ruined my defense!

Fa-la-la-la-la, it’s all his fault.

Special teams, QBs and DBs?

Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go,

Next time I won’t hire such losers,

Fa-la-la-la-la, it’s all their fault.

Or maybe she wants to Let It Snow:

Oh, the cornerbacks here are lousy,

And the safeties sure are drowsy,

Our linebacking corps is slow,

Let ’em go, let ’em go, let ’em go.

Oh, my cornerback is a head case,

And my guards are often red-faced,

Who got these guys I don’t know,

But let ’em go, let ’em go, let ’em go.

Perhaps she wants a White Christmas:

They’re dreaming of an in-ter-ception,

Just like the ones that some teams do.

How we all would cackle,

If they could tackle,

Or once, knock down a pass or two.

I’ve always liked Little Drummer Boy:

Kenny says, please throw to me, I’m


Marv says, no, throw to me, I’m

op-op-op-en. TJ says, throw to me, I’m


Pick option 1-2-3, they’re


Each is the one!

This is not fun.

And when we run they say, boy, are you dumb,

We were op-en.”

Finally, maybe All They Want For Christmas is …

All I want for Christmas is just one more year,

A year so dear,

Please have no fear.

All I want for Christmas is just one more year,

So, Martha, what do you say? . . .

And the answer is . . .

Sorry. No opening presents until Wednesday.

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You guys are so good at the haikus, what about your Detroit caroling songs?

Jingle bells
Bob Quinn tells
Patricia he must tank
“You fat slob”
“Save our jobs!”
“Or we’ll walk the plank”

The Fords don’t care
Thanks to profit share
They will still get paid
There’s no reason
To try this season
The fans will get no say


They’re on injured reserve
We have no linebackers
Our quarterbacks can’t serve

No depth, no depth
We’re fresh out of men
Without the 1st string
The Lions are canned

Martha, Martha
Tell us why can’t you see?
That the fans are all swearing
While you count cash with glee

Sell the team, sell the team
This nightmare must end
I don’t wanna die
Without a Super Bowl win

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I’d do one for “Baby it’s cold outside,” but the thought of 4 stanzas of Matt Patricia sexually harassing Martha Ford is a bridge too far for me.

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