A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks by.
The lizard looks up, and says, “what are you doing?”
The monkey says, “smoking a joint, come on up and join me.”
So, the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke another joint.
After a while, the lizard says to the monkey, “I got dry mouth, I’m going down to the river to get a drink.”
The lizard gets to the river, and is so stoned, he falls in.
A kindly crocodile sees this happen, and hurried over to help the lizard to shore.
Once on shore, the crocodile asks the lizard what’s wrong with him.
So, the lizard explains that he was over in a tree smoking a joint with a monkey, got cotton mouth, and needed a drink, but, was so stoned, he fell in.
The crocodile had to see this, so, he went into the forest in the direction the lizard pointed, and sure enough, there was a visibly stoned monkey sitting in the tree.
The crocodile says to the monkey, “hey, what are you doing?”
The monkey answers, “dude, how much water did you drink?”
Two muffins are baking in an oven.
One muffin looks at the other and says, “man it’s hot as hell in here.”
The other muffin looks over and says, “holy shit! a talking muffin!”
2 beautiful ladies are in an office working…a blonde and a brunette.
Delivery man comes in and delivers a dozen long stemmed roses to the brunette.
Brunette looks to blonde and says, “Oh great…now I’m gonna have to spend all night on my back with my legs spread toward the ceiling.”
The blonde replies…“Why is that? Don’t you have a vase?”
I’ve probably posted this before, but it’s a classic.
Two men go out deer hunting. After walking through the woods for an hour, one of them suddenly clutches at his chest and flops over dead. The other hunter frantically calls 911.
“Help! I’m out in the woods and I think my friend just died!”
The dispatcher says in calming voice, “Don’t panic sir. We first need to make sure he really is dead.”
A few seconds later, the dispatcher hears a gunshot. The hunter comes back on the phone and says, “Ok, what do I do next?”
A woman was hit by a car while crossing the street. All of her clothes were ripped off by the car, leaving her nude in the street. The Pope saw this and put his hat over her crotch to protect her modestly.
Then a drunk man stumbled upon the scene. He looked at the woman, and then said to the Pope “Padre, the first thing to do is get this man to a doctor.”
A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his dick has turned orange.
The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven’t ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials or something?”
The man says no.
The doctor follows up and asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Not a thing.” The doctor is really puzzled now and says, “Nothing? So what do you do at home all day?”
The man replies, “Honestly, doc I, don’t do much at. I just sit around all day, watch porn and eat Cheetos.”
Three men walk in a church asking to do a confession.The first man tells the priest that he killed a man with a gun.The priest tells him to go wash himself in the holy water.
The next man says he killed a man with a knife.The priest tells him to go wash himself in the holy water.
The last man said that he pissed in the holy water yesterday.
