Younger divorcee moves into a condo on a local golf course and immediately all the married women hate her. She’s way too attractive so they pretty much shun her. Well after weeks of not fitting in she’s ready to quit trying to do so. There’s a party at the lodge and she decides to step outside and have a smoke. As she walks outside there’s two women watching a man pee on a tree so she decides to watch with them. The first woman says, “Well, that’s not my Larry, he’s not that big,” The second woman says, “Well that’s not my Jim, he’s left handed.” The divorcee smiles and looks at them and says, “You know, I’m pretty sure that guys not even a member.”
Here’s a joke you can tell if you need an icebreaker some time. Be forewarned, it’s a bit tricky to pull off and you risk some sideways glances if you fumble it.
You start by saying “Wow, did you hear about that actress… she was having lunch with her agent in Hollywood yesterday and stabbed her waiter with a fork.”
People will say huh no and before they can ask who you say “Whatshername… Reese…” and pause.
Somebody will say “Witherspoon?”
And you say, annoyed, “No, with her fork.”
I once got slapped by a gf with this one. Your mileage may vary.
Forget where I got that one. It’s a bit Norm Macdonaldy though.
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Where does a pirate keep his buccaneers?
Under his buccan hat.
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How much does corn cost on a pirate ship?
.
A buck an ear…..
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Two Italian men get on a bus.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men talking:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country, we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”
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Yeah. Used that one on my wife. Perfect delivery……and yet low mileage. Veeeeerrrryy low mileage.
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Yo mama so fat that when she goes camping, the bears hide their food.
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Klinger talking to Sgt Zale, “If my dog had your face I’d shave his butt and teach him to walk backwards.”
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
…
It quacks up.
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Your mama so dumb….
it takes her an hour to make “minute rice”….
and 3 hours to watch “60 minutes”.
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Greatest joke of all tme. ■■■■■■■ Canadians.
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Can confirm… 
I love you mom!
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The early bird enjoys catching the worm as much as the late bird enjoys the extra sleep.
An orgasm in the bush is worth two in the hand.
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This is how I tell jokes. Master class.
Build up the punchline with loads of details. And then…
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Kitchener Leslie 
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