So, last weekend I met this lady at the club, and I took her back to my place. She looked me in the eyes and said, “Give me eight inches, and make it hurt!” So, I did her twice, and kicked her in the shin.
5 Likes
He’s still alive! 
1 Like
The judge from the Trayvon Martin and George Zimmerman trial looks just like Chris Farley.
1 Like
You forgot, “Buy her a really nice / expensive vacuum cleaner”. Let me know how that goes.
4 Likes
Five. ■■■■■■■. Stars. And a 10 minute applaud combined with a standing ovation.
4 Likes
1 Like
3 Likes
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.
His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is!”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where’s the money?
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the feckin trigger!”
7 Likes
Coldplay hasn’t made a single in years and yet they managed to make 4 in one day.
3 Likes
Did you know that the sexual position known as the 69 is now being switched to be called the 96 due to rising costs of eating out.
5 Likes
the health of the Lion’s defense
2 Likes
1 Like
A guy yesterday asked me if I wanted to pet his Cocker Spaniel.
In hindsight, I should’ve chosen the Spaniel.
8 Likes
Was Cocker’s first name Joe?
1 Like
3 Likes
Old man joke I guess… My father loved Joe Cocker. Belushi doing Cocker impersonations on SNL was pretty great
3 Likes